Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
