The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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