Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
