Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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