I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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