I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
