Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
