What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
