You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
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I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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