I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
