Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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