why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
