Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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