Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
