I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Im part way to drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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