someone owes me an orgasm
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
