Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
