saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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