My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
