I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
