i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
