i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
