Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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