If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
