i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
