were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
