Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
