I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
