All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
