Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
