I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
