yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
