Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
