Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
