I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
