WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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