I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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