My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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