I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
