I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
