how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Pooping to opera.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
