i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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