Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize