but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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