Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
