my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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