Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
