please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
