Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
