My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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