you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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