Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
