last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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