People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
