Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
